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Find out what you need to know in dealing with the ethical and philisophical ponderings of life.

Q) What is the difference between 'Pantheism' AND 'Panentheism'?

A) Actually, these are very complex concepts, so, we'll try to make them simple for you: 'pantheism' is the idea that God is inherent in all things, or, as expressed by simple people (probably like you!) that 'God is everything.'

'Panentheism,' on the other hand, is an even more obscure and complex concept. It is closely related to 'pantheism,' except that it involves the way God reveals himself through the things he's in.

Think of it this way: God is in the radish you eat (Pantheism). When you belch, it's His way of telling you he was in it (Panentheism)...

Q) What is the meaning of life?

A) Which do you mean, the magazine or the breakfast cereal?

This is a very tough question, because it involves a major examination of an assessment, specifically: what does it mean for something to have 'meaning?' Do we mean: "an ultimate goal or purpose"? We'll assume that this is your question, so, we'll rephrase it this way: "What is the ultimate goal or purpose of life?"

Having read the thoughts of the greatest minds in the history of the world on this and related topics, having consulted the oracles, the Ouija Board, and our mommies, we think we can safely say: LIFE HAS NO MEANING! IT HAS NO ULTIMATE GOAL OR PURPOSE. IT JUST IS.

Does this sound depressing to you? It really shouldn't be. Life encompasses everything that there is; it is the sacred things and the profane things. It, itself, is both sacred and profane...both at the same time, and yet neither of them, ever. It is the best of all things, and it is the worst of all things; once again, both at the same time, and yet neither of them, ever. It is all there is, and it is nothing at all. It is the most important thing, and, it is not important at all. It can go on forever, or, it can end in your next breath. Makes no difference.

It is what you make it, and it's what it is, despite whatever you do, or how you try to perceive it or alter it. It is eternal, but it also doesn't really exist at all.

It is, in a word, its own antipode.

So what is its meaning again? It has none.

What is the meaning of your life? Who knows? Who cares! There is no guarantee or proof of an existence hereafter, but, there is no doubt you exist now. That is what you must learn to deal with about life, you have it, you are here, and you're going to have to do something while you are here. Make the most of it, enjoy yourself, but don't screw over other people (and things) in the pursuit of your jollies. Remember, even though life is absurd and it means nothing, it will go on long after you are gone. Don't ruin it for others...

Q) Once and for all I have to know: does it hurt lobsters when they are dropped into boiling water?  Should I feel guilty about it? -Kathie Lee G.

A) Naw...it can't be all that bad. And, if it's pinchers are still moving after a good boil, feel no mercy. Of course, if you get indigestion later on, consider it revenge from yer lobster friend. As you can see, there is no guilt to worry about...eat up! And may I say a nice red wine goes quite well with it...

Q) What is the essential nature of man? -Goily Mon

A) Man's essential nature is to belch, fart, scratch himself, spit, leave toilet seats up, cuss, lust after women with large gabonzas, and practically wet himself, laughing at the antics of the Three Stooges. Although you didn't ask, we'll presuppose your next question: a woman's essential nature is to wonder at, and be totally repulsed by, a man's essential nature. -And to nag him about it.

Q) Is it true that every time we hear a bell ring, it means that an angel has just gotten his wings?

And, as far as that goes, in the movie, IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE, we find that Clarence is an "Angel, Second-class." Is heaven some sort of military organisation? And if so, who has to pull K.P.? -G. Pyle

A) Hearing a bell ring, and Angels getting their wings, have absolutely no relationship. This can be demonstrated by the old philosophical conundrum of, "If a tree falls in the forest, and no one hears it, did it make a sound?" So, by the same token, if a bell rings, and no one hears it, will an angel still get his wings?

The fact is, that Angels no longer have wings. They have moved on to capes, because, well, they look so good on Superheroes! And besides, they can use them if they forget their hankies.

As far as Clarence and his being an "Angel, Second-class," yes, it's true, Heaven is more-or-less like a miltiary set-up. Basically, the more virtuous and the more good deeds one does on Earth, the higher rank they will be in Heaven. Obviously then, someone like our current President, will be spending eternity mopping floors and emptying trash cans.

Q) I got more questions about Heaven! When we die and go to Heaven, how old are we there? Are we the same age as we were when we died on Earth? When we die, do we immediately go to Heaven, or, do we go after the funeral, or, do we just lie in the ground until Jesus comes back again? Is it true that the streets of Heaven are paved with Gold? -Maria DeVirgene

A) When one dies and goes to Heaven, they assume the body of a 24 year old. It wouldn't be Heaven if one didn't. If you were the same age as when you died, well, think about it: if you were a baby when you died, you'd be spending eternity messin' your diapers, and really inconviencing the other Angels. If you died when you were 98, you'd be spoiling your DEPENDS for eternity. And besides, if you thought you were going to have to spend eternity being 98, with all the frailties that that entails, it would lead to a rash of suicides on this mortal plane by people who'd rather spend eternity being able to get about...

And yes, one does immediately go to Heaven. They do not get to pass "go," or collect $200. And finally, yes, the streets of Heaven are paved with gold. And, people also wear jewelry made of asphalt...

And one last thing, you can go to the funeral first, but you might scare a few people. Jilly Berry has actually had this experience, and found it very enlightening, but then, she's just not like the rest of us.

Jazzy Music

(Cut this damn Muzak out, man!)

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